It was a normal housewarming party when I got there. One of the men was engaging in the New York pastime of talking shit about your roommate, describing him as a “bag of dicks.” But as he kept using this phrase, it occurred me, that, wait a second! I have a bag of dicks! Here, with me now!

Why I was carrying a backpack full of sex toys isn’t important to the story, but let’s just say that it was my first party of the night, not my last.

Still, when you tell a room full of young people that you have an actual bag of dicks, they’re going to demand some proof. So, I oblige, and pull out a 6” dildo with a strap-on harness and a pink double-ended “jelly” dildo (that just means it’s the flexible kind of dildo—you know, so two women can gaze into each other’s eyes as they make love. At least I assume that’s how they use it. I wouldn’t know, since I’ve never watched lesbian porn. *cough*

I knew that the second I pulled a strap-on dildo out, one of the girls was going to want to put it on. So I show her how to “Strap-in”, and she is so overcome with excitement of her new toy, she instantly turns into a caricature of Fratty-Bro McSexual-Assault. Seriously, it was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide-a-rufee.

She starts chasing the boys around with her new erection homing in on their behinds like an air-to-air missile. This woman, clad in tight jeans, halter top, and flowing blonde hair would tease them and straddle them on the couch. Disarmed by her beauty, they’d let their guard down, and then she’d hit them with a surprise attack, holding their arms back and yelling, “Take it! Take the cock!” while the boys turn their heads left and right like a toddler refusing a spoonful of peas.

Even thirty minutes later, sitting on the couch with one of the boys I overheard her soft, pleading voice. “Just touch it.” She said. “Just touch it a little. You know you want to.” She even took dick-pic selfies and started sending them to people.

I think it’s a completely natural response for a woman to have. I mean, if you were test driving a Ferrari for the first time in your life, aren’t you going to open it up? Push it to the limit? Naturally, if a woman has only half an hour to test-drive a penis, she’s going to see just what this baby can do. It has to happen. I’d go as far as to call it a natural law.

As the alcohol consumption of a woman in possession of a strap-on dildo increases, the probability of her committing sexual assault approaches 1.

You can call that Feibleman’s Law. (There’s worse legacies to have.)