Last night I tested the first prototype of the vest. I don’t know how other companies test the durability of their products, but I think my system is pretty thorough. Given the intensity of the hangover, it was definitely put through its paces.

In preparation for the test, Amanda and I decided to “pre-flight” hard. Two 18oz beers in rapid succession and two for the road. No more of these $150 bar tabs for us! (That’s called being smart!) By the time we made it to the bars, we didn’t yet know that our fate was sealed. We were rip-roaring drunk before we’d even arrived and in a crowded bar scene we quickly got separated, and I ended up on a bar-crawl with two married Olympians.

The wife was a 6’2″ bombshell clone of Keri Russell, and the husband dwarfed her in height and had an intimidating “bald and bearded” look. Even still, they knew I was a threat to their safety. They fled sometime after I sat on the spoiler of some guy’s brand new Ferrari, upended a tall-boy down my throat and yelled, “Fuck your Ferrari you pussy bitch!” My motivation was to correct his douchey parking job.

The next thing I remember is being shaken awake on a sidewalk. I don’t know how long I was unconscious. It could have been a minute, or it could have been an hour, but one thing is certain, my passport and bribe money was still safely stored within the vest, and my iPad still dummy-corded with steel cable and locking carabiners to the gromets I had installed at the waist. Moreover, the silk back panel didn’t fray against the rough concrete of the sidewalk. That’s some fine workmanship! 

We’ll need to double the fusing weight of the fabric, of course. Also need to reenforce the button threads. It should be dressy enough for a formal dinner, but sturdy enough for a kickboxing match, because if you’re the kind of asshole who wears this in public, both are just a matter of time.

If I manufacture these for sale, each little feature will be accompanied with a story of gross degenerate behavior, because good marketing tells a story that makes the customer want to be a part of it:

“When you get thrown down a flight of stairs by a guy because you just vomited on his Ferrari with contempt, you’ll feel secure in the knowledge that your mobile phone and passport are coming with you to the bottom.”

Now that’s a top-quality guarantee!